Highlands Fellowship Father's Day Transcript
0:00 Good morning, wherever you are at all of our campuses — if you are in Bristol, here in Abingdon, in Marion, or watching online or on TV. Man, we are so glad that you are with us today. I know there's probably a lot of y'all who are brand new to Highlands. We have child dedication today. So if you're a grandparent here, or a family friend, or family member here to witness child dedication, man, welcome to Highlands for the very first time. And everyone else, welcome back again. My name is James. I am the Marion campus pastor. I'm so blessed to be here with you today.
0:48 The past little bit we've been going through the book of James. We've been going verse by verse, and it's been an amazing series. I've been loving learning about the book of James along with all of you. But today we're going to take a pause from the book of James, and we're going to talk about biblical masculinity and fatherhood.
1:08 Now, I know that that can be scary. I know that it sounds scary. In fact, usually Mother's Day goes something like this in most churches: "Man, you are beautifully made. You are wonderful. You are amazing." And then Father's Day is usually like, "You're awful. You're despicable. Okay, get it together." And I know that's the usual feel of Father's Day, and I just want to comfort you if you're a father in this room — that is not at all what we're going to do today. In fact, I want to do the opposite. I want to call out what God has put into you and the blessings he has for you.
1:50 Now, as I get into a message on masculinity, I want to say a couple things. One, I have pulled a lot of this from a lot of other pastors and books and things that I've studied. So I just want to give them credit. On the back of the QR codes — if you're here in person, on the chairs — you can either tap your phone to them or scan the QR code on the back of the chair in front of you. When you leave here, I want to make this as practical of a message as I possibly can, because I want to give you dads and fathers and men tools of what does it look like to live and lead like Jesus Christ. I don't want to just motivate you. If I just motivate you and you go home and don't change, I've done nothing. I'm praying that the Spirit calls men back to Scripture and encourages you men to love the Lord, take up your cross, and to lead your family well like Christ.
2:40 Now, the second thing I want to say is also — if you are a lady here, please do not clock out on this message. This message is just as important for you, if not more important for you to learn about. One, if you're single, if you're a lady and you're not married and maybe you're dating or looking or one day you do hope to be married, I would say the qualities I speak about today are the criteria you should look for in a man. And if he is not — I mean, no man's going to be perfect — but if he's not at least striving towards these things, I would consider reconsidering your relationship.
3:15 Also, if you're a lady here, or maybe you're just an older couple in the church and you've lived marriage — you've been there, done that — man, we desperately need you as well to pray over and encourage the younger couples in the church like myself and my wife. I know that we're young, and I have people and men every single week who pray over my family. We need you. So please don't check out either. There might be a young family here today that needs you.
3:40 And then finally, if you're a lady here and you're married to one of the men of the church, especially for you, this message may be more important for you to get than even your husband. And I say that because, listen, the words that you use and the things that you say about your husband can do really one of two things. They can be the wind in his sails pushing him to fulfill God's call on his life to live and to lead like Jesus, or the words that you use can be the spark that burns down his life. I know that's dramatic and I get it, but it's true.
4:05 I'm in a leadership group with some men, and I asked them, "Hey, I want you guys to tell me what is the most meaningful thing your wife has ever done for you or said to you." I want to read you three of the things that these men said. Here is the first one. She said: "I'm proud of you. You're an amazing man." He said, "I feel like I was never told that I was truly appreciated until then, and everything that I did was just expected of me. So hearing that I was not just doing the minimum, but actually doing good and even maybe a great job was a game-changer in my life. It was like getting a cookie — and I like cookies." That's how you know it was a guy.
4:38 The next guy — I asked him, "What's the most meaningful thing your wife's ever said or done for you?" He said his wife said, "I'm proud of you, and thank you for all that you do." The third guy said this — his wife said to him: "Thank you for all the things you do for me and for this family. You're the man of the house, and where you lead, I will follow."
5:00 So ladies, I would invite you to lean into this message, and then when I give these practical steps, when you go home, don't nag about them — but encourage your husband when he lives out these things. Encourage him. Bring life to the situation with your words and with your action.
5:20 So again, I'm going to give men very practical things today. And I want to ask the question — really a couple things. The core question that we're going to answer today is: Who is a man? Who is a man? So we need to answer the surface level one first. What makes a man?
5:41 Communities and the world today has this completely and totally wrong. And listen — I hunt. I can go get a deer and bring it home and clean it and have steak on the table at night. I can fix cars. If you give me a hammer and a couple drills and tools, I can build just about anything with a YouTube video. I've played college sports. I work out — I don't like working out, but I do it to stay healthy. I do all of these things, and not one of those things makes me a man. Not one of those things makes me masculine according to Scripture. Society is way lost. I think a lot of people in the church are way lost on the question: What makes a man and who is a man?
6:30 We've gone so far that in 2018, the APA — the American Psychological Association — released its first-ever guidelines of how to counsel young boys and men. And this is what they said: They denounced traditional masculine ideology as physiologically harmful and introduced the term toxic masculinity. And for the past little bit, man, men have gone through the ringer. Men feel disoriented, lost, confused, broken. If you look at the depression rates between men and women, it's a staggering difference. The suicide rate in men compared to the rest of society is a staggering difference. Something is wrong, and men are in crisis.
7:15 Now, I want to encourage with this — there's a danger of going the other way, becoming from emasculated to way too far masculine. I think about just the "alpha male" controlling everything. That is equally unbiblical and equally unlike Christ. So today we're going to talk about a few things.
7:35 Nancy Pearcey wrote a book called The Toxic War on Masculinity. It's a solid read — it's thick, you probably need some coffee. But she answered the question: Why does the world think men are dangerous and broken, especially those within the church? Well, she says this: "Research points that devout Protestant evangelical men are the least likely to divorce and the least likely to commit domestic violence. And their wives report the highest levels of happiness."
8:10 Now, this is where we find that the world is, in some ways, correct — that men within churches can be dangerous. She says there's a word called "nominal," which means in name only. Studies find nominal Christian men do fit the stereotype. They spend less time with their children. Their wives report significantly lower levels of happiness, and their marriages are far less stable. Whereas devout evangelical couples are 35% less likely to divorce than secular couples, nominal Christian men are 20% more likely to divorce than secular men. Church-going devout couples report the lowest rate of domestic violence of any group at 2.8%. Nominal Christian couples report the highest of any group — higher than atheist, Muslim, or secular — at 7.2%.
9:00 In other words, a nominal Christian man is the most dangerous man in America. They know just enough about Scripture to abuse it, to twist it in order to reign over their families, abuse their spouses, and abuse their kids. And man, if you're here today and you feel like that's you — I don't want this message to feel like I'm hitting you over the head, but I want you to know there is hope in the gospel. There is hope to change.
9:30 But most men want to lead well, want to raise their family well, and love their wives and love their kids well. And I think a majority of men — if we're honest — just don't know how. Maybe you didn't see it growing up. Or you're just afraid of doing the wrong thing, and so the more common thing is for men to kind of wade back and let other people do it. So I want to give you very practical things today, because the truth is: The church and the world desperately need Christ-like men to lead their homes for God's glory.
10:10 God has ordained you, man. He's chosen you, given you your wife and your kids. And as I get into these, I want you to know — I am not perfect at any one of these things I'm about to say. I am growing. I still struggle. I barely got to pray with my wife and kids as I ran out the door this morning. I'm not perfect. I'm growing in this just as much as everyone else. But if you are a father, you have the delight and the duty of leading your home.
10:45 So let's jump in. I'm going to give you three things that fathers are in their homes.
11:00 The first one is this: a prophet in the home. Another word for prophet — or the definition of it — is a proclaimer of the word of God. A prophet in the home.
11:15 Ephesians 5:25–27 says this: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her — watch this — by the washing with water through the word. And to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or blemish, but holy and blameless." Washing with water through the word of God.
11:43 Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way that he should go and when he's old he will not depart from it." Deuteronomy 6:5–9 says, "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all your soul and all your strength. These commandments I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them — watch this — impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down or when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them to your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."
12:30 I know this is going to look different for every age group. My kids are young, so this looks a lot like my kids asking me to tell them a story and me just telling them a story about Jesus or from the Bible. You might have older kids you can actually sit down and study the Bible with on a deeper level. Maybe you're a grandparent, and when your grandkids come over you can walk them through scriptures. But here is what I will say: You, the father — if you're a father here with kids, or if you're just a husband with your wife — you hold the primary responsibility for teaching and proclaiming the word of God in your family's life.
13:15 And I know it's scary, and I know that it's hard and it's difficult. On that QR code, there's going to be lists of different devotions you can take your families through, exactly how to do it. But you hold the primary responsibility — not your pastor. Not the student pastor, not the kids pastor. We're here to help, and we're going to do that today with child dedication. But you, father and husband, hold the primary responsibility of teaching and proclaiming the word of God in your family's life.
13:55 Now, side note — if you're a single mom here and you're thinking, "Well, where do I even go? What do I even do?" — I want you to know that God uses those on the outskirts, that other people would look at and say, "How would God ever use them?" Look at the disciples. Look at the people in the Old Testament. Look at the whole of Scripture. God uses those on the outskirts in mighty, mighty ways. So God will use you. He can use you. He will use you.
14:30 So how? Here are just a few ways. First: teach through family devotions. You can find them all over the internet. Sit down, choose a time with your family where you go through stories of the Bible or a devotion. The next one is teach by example. Father, husband, I want to ask you this question: Does Christianity touch every aspect of your life? Your hobbies, your schedule, your work? Does Christianity touch every aspect of your life?
15:00 And then finally — teach by sharing your life and your problems. Father, how you live will be the lens through which your children view God. How forgiving you are. How loving and caring you are. How much you will chase after them. That will be the view through which your children see God. And all of that starts with your own time in the word, your accountability to it, and prayer and fasting.
15:30 So let's go to the next one. The next one is this: a priest in the home. A father or a husband is a priest in the home. In the Old Testament, priests were responsible for a few main things — two of those things were these: They would make sacrifices, and they would pray, interceding for God's people. They would go into the holy of holies and intercede for God's people. In the New Testament, we Christians are called a royal priesthood.
16:15 Sacrifice looks like this: sacrifice yourself for your wife and children. Ephesians 5:29 says, "Love your wives as Christ Jesus loves the church and gave himself up for her." The love of a husband should reflect the care of Jesus for his church. He loved her. He laid down his life for her. And he didn't stop there — he sent the Spirit to dwell in you. He still cares for his bride, the church, through the teaching of his word, through the fruit of the Spirit.
17:00 There are a lot of husbands and men who boldly say that they will die for their wives, and that's an honorable thing. But I want to ask you an honest question, brother: Not only will you die for her, but will you live for her? Will you live for her? If you'll truly die for her, you'll also live for her. You will joyfully help her with some of her household and childcare duties. You'll listen to her cares and anxieties. You'll sympathize with her in her distresses and serve her in her needs and desires.
17:45 And men, I get it. I get how difficult it is to come home after a long day. I feel the temptation myself to just lock myself in the bathroom and scroll on my phone for a little bit and just disappear from life. But I would encourage you — if you're going to die for her, you might as well live for her. And your kids.
18:05 It looks different for everybody, but I want you to know this: your first ministry, your first job, your first assignment is your home. I think I have to think about this constantly — that if the church ever overtakes my love for my wife and my kids, I'm drastically out of place. I need men and people in my life to point me back and say, "James, you're messing up, man. You're going to lose the most valuable thing in your life."
18:35 And I would challenge you with this — this is just a side note: Men, I would challenge you as well with something that is important for your life and your house. Find something that will physically challenge you and incorporate that in your life. It'll look different for everybody at every stage of life. I do not like working out. I never have. I don't like running, I don't like lifting weights. But find something and do it.
19:10 And then the second part of a priest in the home is this: intercede for your family. Intercede in prayer for your family. And that looks like a lot of different things. It might be praying over them at bedtime if they have littles. It might be actually praying with your grown kids before they go to school or go to work. For me, a practice I've been trying to do — I'm not perfect at it, I miss a lot of days — is before I leave for work, before I walk out the door, I try to grab Anna's hands or I'll hug her and I'll pray over her. I'll thank God specifically for the things that I see he's put inside of her and given her as fruit and gifts and how well she raises our kids and cares for our family. I'll try to grab Coulter — I have to wrestle him usually — and pray over him really quickly. I'll try to grab Sadie as she's running around the house.
20:00 But intercede for your family — with them and without them in your quiet time. And I want you to know this: hell quakes at the prayerfulness of men. And I think it does for women too, but I want the men to hear that. Hell quakes at the prayerfulness of men.
20:25 Job shows this — the book of Job. Job 1:4–5 says this: "His sons used to hold feasts in their homes on their birthdays, and they would invite over their three sisters and eat and drink with them. When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would make arrangements for them to be purified. Early in the morning, he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, 'Just maybe — perhaps — my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.' And this was Job's regular custom." God calls Job a righteous man. He intercedes and prays over his kids.
21:15 The third thing that a father and husband is in the home is this: a king in the home. And you might hear that and feel a little weird about it. Fathers must be kings in their homes. Not like the kings or rulers that you see in the world, but kings like Christ. Humble servant kings who wield authority for the good of others. Not authoritarianism. Not "I'm the husband, so I make every decision." Not "I'm the husband, so I control the finances." That is the opposite of the Bible. That is not Christ-like. It's humble servitude. It's: How do I give my life for my family?
22:10 And then with the king, there is a time to defend. If you look throughout Scripture, the kings were the prime warriors of the nations. They would lead into battle. They would strive for their people. They would die for their people. Think about Saul and David and how they were praised for leading into battles. And on the day that Christ returns, Christ returns as a divine warrior with a sword.
22:45 And what this looks like for you — I want to read you this verse. Fathers, this is something I would take home with you. I would memorize it. I would put it everywhere. If you don't get anything else, this is what you get from this message right here. Ephesians 6:10–12:
23:00 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand" — not your pastor's stand, not your wife's stand, not your kid's — but your stand, "to guard and to guide against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood. Brothers, it's not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers and the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
23:40 And so, men, I want to ask you this, and I pray this for your life: that the battles that you fight — and the battles that I fight — I pray are not the battles that our kids fight one day. That the sin that's plagued your family, the addiction that's plagued your family, goes in the ground with you. Because you understand it's not against flesh and blood. I'm going to intercede for my family. I'm going to wash them with the word.
24:15 And I want you to hear this and know this: you're made for this. You're not too far gone. It's not too late. God has given you — he's divinely appointed you with your family, with your kids, in your community, to love and lead like Christ.
24:40 I'll wrap up with a couple things. There was a famous study done by Harvard. What they did was they watched men — graduates of Harvard — and they watched them for 85 years. This is a big study. They also watched men from lower-income communities. They started as teenagers and they watched them all the way throughout their lives. They saw them go through divorces, marriages, buy houses, become successful, become complete wrecks. They saw the whole gamut.
25:15 And what they found was simple. The most predicting thing for success in life — it leads to physical health, brain sharpness, and happiness in a man's life — is this: high-quality relationships. And so, brothers, I would ask you: Do you have that? Do you have men who will fight for you, hold you accountable? Do you and your wife strive to keep that core relationship solid? And if you don't, man, find it. It's too valuable, too important. The community, the church is too valuable to give up on.
26:00 I want to close with this: ultimately, who is a man? Who is a man? A man — a Christian man, who's truly masculine, who truly leads well — is simply this: You're a child of the one true King. It's not about how good you do any of this. It's not about how much money you make or how much you can provide for your family. Who is a man is someone that God sees and says, "I loved you so much that I gave my Son to die for you in your place so that I can know you."
26:45 And men, I get it — there is a real draw to being better. To thinking, "Well, I'll just earn it. I'll go further. I'll work harder. I'll outdo my sin." If that's you, man, the devil has you right where he wants you. Who is a man? A man is a true child of the one true King.
27:10 I feel like there are men in this room who are broken, not knowing where to turn, not knowing that there is a Father that really loves you, that really cares about you. And I would say, today is the day you can turn to him.
27:30 I'll end with this. I want to have a challenge — because I'm convicted by this too. If you're a man in this room and you feel like, "Man, I want to grow in any of these areas I've talked about today," I would challenge you to do this: when I pray in a second, I would just ask you to stand right where you are and say, "Today is the day that these sins and things die. They go in the ground with me. I'm going to start leading in the most Christ-like way that I can, knowing there's going to be days where I mess up and fail, knowing I'm going to fall short — but I'm going to do my best so that when my kids and my family and my community looks at me, they can have a great view through which they see the Lord."
28:20 And so I'm going to pray. Brothers, if that's you, I just ask you to stand while I pray.
28:28 Lord, thank you for the men in this church. Lord, we know the brokenness within them. Lord, we know how confused and lost men are. But God, I just pray that you would remind the men in here that you've called them by name. That you, in all wisdom and knowledge, appointed them, divinely chose them to have their families and their kids. And they would know that it's not in their strength that they can lead, because there are so many questions that come with that. But instead, Lord, it is in you and your wondrous, glorious strength and power that we can witness in our homes. We can serve in our homes. We can die for our homes. And Lord, that we can live alive in you.
29:20 So God, I pray for these men. Lord, would you not let them just leave this room motivated or convicted, but instead, they would leave this room empowered. Lord, I pray for the ladies in this room, that they would encourage their husbands and men to do well — to spend time with you, to praise them when they do things that are right, and hold them accountable when they do things that are wrong.
29:50 Lord, if there's a man in here, or a woman, or anybody in here that doesn't know your goodness and your love — or even had a good father in their life — that they can come to you today. And if that's you, you can come to the Lord with all your sin, with all your problems, and say, "Lord, I know that I'm a sinner. I know I've fallen short of your glory. But I believe you gave your Son to die on the cross. I believe he conquered the grave. I want to repent of my sin and turn from my mistakes. And Lord, I want to follow you all of the days of my life. This breath in my lungs is yours. My family is yours. My resources are yours. Whatever it takes, I want to follow you all of the days of my life."
30:35 And men, now I would encourage you to find community. Lord, thank you for how you love us. And we love you, too. Amen.