Highlands Fellowship - The Book of James: Avoiding Arguments

Well, hey everybody and welcome to Highlands Fellowship. It's so good to have you today. We have just so many things going on this summer. It's been exciting already. We've had mission trips, got kids over at camp, we've got things that are getting ready to happen, and we want you to be involved. We really do. So, jump in, find a place where you can serve, find something that you can do, and really join us this summer as we continue to make disciples, love our communities, and change the world. And if you happen to be new with us, I just want to say a big welcome to you. And I hope that you'll make yourself feel right at home because as we like to say around here, Highlands is home. And so, welcome home today.

Today, we're in week 10 of our series on the book of James where God has been challenging us to actually live out the faith that we have in him, that we claim to have in him in a very authentic way daily. And as we look deeper into our faith by working through this wonderful New Testament book, we're finding that so much of our faith is actually played out in relationships. So, we're going to be looking at what James has to say about avoiding arguments and really winning the war within. So go ahead and open up your Bibles to James chapter 4.

And now as you do that, I don't know about you, but when I talk to couples about what's going on in their relationships, so many of them will say things like this. We just can't seem to get along. We argue so much, like, "We love each other, so why do we always have these major blowups over such minor issues?" I'll talk to parents who say things like this — with my kids, there's just this constant tension and I don't understand why we're always at each other, why we're always in this argumentative mode. And James talks about that in this passage on avoiding arguments. He gives us both the reason for arguments and also the solution.

Now, at the start of this message, here's what I want you to do. I want each and every one of you to think of the person that causes the most conflict in your life. I want you to think about that person. And I think that you're actually going to get the most out of this message if you think about the person who causes the most conflict in your life and how you can potentially avoid arguments with them. All right, with that person in mind, let's go ahead and read the passage and then we'll talk about what we read.

James chapter 4, verses 1-10 says this: "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures. You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? But he gives us more grace. That is why scripture says God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble. Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

So, I'll say this about James — he gets right to the point. I mean, he doesn't waste any time at all. Long before modern psychology came along, he had some very profound insight on the things that cause conflict in our lives. Look at just that first verse in James 4:1 where he says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" James is basically saying that the root of conflict — listen to this — the root of conflict is a heart at war. James teaches that most conflict around us actually begins with conflict within us. We have conflicting desires and when my wants conflict with your wants, sparks are going to fly.

So conflict starts early on in life, even before you can even talk, right? Have you ever noticed that if a baby's needs aren't instantly met, they let you know about it? You can argue even if you don't have the ability to talk. It's amazing. Marriage has like built-in conditions for conflict. Think about things that you expected of your spouse before you got married — how idealistic and unrealistic you were about marriage. You have to learn how to handle arguments because it's going to happen. There are going to be conflicts in your marriage. There are going to be conflicting desires and those things will cause fights.

So, what desires are we talking about here? Well, the Bible makes it very clear here and in other places in scripture that there are three desires that often cause conflict in our lives. And these desires — they are legitimate desires unless they're out of control. They're God-given. But when you put them above God or above other people, when they become number one in your life, they will cause conflict. So, what are they?

Well, the first one is this. It's the desire to have more. Like we want to have stuff, don't we? We want possessions and we want control. James chapter 4, the first part of verse two says this: "You desire but do not have so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want so you quarrel and fight." God created things to be used and to be enjoyed. We use things and we love people. The problem is when we start loving things too much, we get the equation backward. We start using people — by manipulating them or controlling them or moving them around to get what we want — because things have become more important to us.

And so we live in a culture that constantly tells us that we need more. More money, more stuff, a bigger house, a newer car, a better vacation, always that next upgrade. And we are surrounded by messages that make us believe that happiness is only one purchase away. And it seems to always be one purchase away. The problem is that the desire to have more never stays satisfied for very long. And it seems like as soon as we get what we want, something newer, something bigger, something better comes along. So if we base our contentment on keeping up with other people, we'll spend our lives chasing a finish line that is always moving.

James says that this desire can actually create conflict because when our wants become demands, relationships begin to suffer. We argue over things like money and we compare ourselves to other people. We become frustrated when life doesn't give us what we want and what we think we deserve. The truth is that possessions make poor saviors. They really do. They can fill our garages. They can fill our closets. They can fill our calendars. But they cannot fill the emptiness that we have in our hearts. There's this longing inside of every person that no amount of success, no amount of achievement, no amount of accumulation can satisfy. And when we look to things to give us what only God can provide, we're going to end up disappointed. So the desire to have more always promises fulfillment but it never ever delivers on what it advertises.

The second thing is this. It's the desire to feel good. And this is the idea of pleasure and self-gratification. I want to feel good. I want to be comfortable. James 4:3 says, "When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with the wrong motives that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." So it's not wrong to enjoy your life. It really isn't. I believe God made things for our enjoyment. But when pleasure becomes the number one goal in your life — if it feels good, do it — then you're asking for conflict. And when my pleasure takes place over what is needed, we're in trouble. How does this play out? Well, I'm more interested in my comfort than I am in yours. And all I think about is what makes me feel good. A life centered on personal gratification often creates disappointment and conflict.

The desire to have more and the desire to feel good are two of the desires that often cause conflict. And then the third one is this: the desire to be first. And this is pride. It's about recognition and power. It's about popularity. I want to be number one, right? It's the desire for me first. And this makes me think about kids. Little kids say things like, "Watch me, daddy. Watch me. Watch me." And in the same way as adults, we say, "Hey, watch me, everybody." But we say it in a little bit of a different way — watch me by the way I dress or the kind of car that I drive or the house that I have or the vacations that I go on. It's a desire to be first and it is prideful.

Proverbs chapter 13, the first part of verse 10, it says, "Where there is strife, there is pride." And that's so simple. And this should really be one of the very first verses that we memorize. Think about how much trouble this could save you in life. Have you ever been in an argument where you knew that you were wrong, but you wouldn't admit it? Why? Because pride. Pride causes arguments. And many arguments aren't really about the issue that we're even arguing about. They're about our ego. So here's the bottom line. The next time you're in an argument, you just need to stop and ask, is it worth it? When we're prideful, conflict will come.

So we've talked about three different desires that cover many of the issues in our lives. And it seems as though we have a hard time trying to satisfy all of these desires. So the question becomes, why are these desires never satisfied? Well, James tells us that pride — when we think that we can do things on our own — it causes a couple of problems. James chapter 4, the second part of verse two and the first part of verse three says: "You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives."

And here James tells us two reasons why our desires aren't fulfilled. Number one is we don't pray. We don't even ask God. We look to the wrong sources to get what we desire. We look to people or to things to fulfill the needs instead of looking to God. He says, "I'll meet your needs, but start by praying." And then the second thing is this: when we do pray, we usually pray with the wrong motives. We ask things in a very selfish way. And the Bible says that everything I need, God has promised to provide. Philippians 4:19 says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." So God promises to meet our needs. But when our desires become greater than our dependence upon God, frustration is bound to follow.

You know, we'd rather argue about something than go to God for the answer. Listen, when I'm upset with my wife, the last thing that's on my mind is prayer. That's the last thing. But James says that's the problem. We look to other sources instead of looking to God and that causes conflict. Because we don't pray, we don't have, and because we ask with the wrong motives, we don't receive. And if we think about it, we don't pray because we don't think we need God. If we really needed him, we would pray, wouldn't we? A life without prayer is evidence of pride in our lives. James says that we'd have a lot more peace if we prayed to God more.

In the next verses, James talks about conflict with God. Pride not only causes conflict with other people but it also causes conflict with God. James chapter 4, the second part of verse 6 says: "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." God is declaring war on selfishness. And to be in opposition to God is really a dangerous place to be. Very dangerous. There's no way you're going to win that battle.

So if pride is the cause of conflict, what's the solution then? Well, James is very clear that the path to peace is humility. The path to peace is humility. James 4:6 says, "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." And James 4:10 says, "Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up." So what is grace? Well, grace is God giving me a free gift that I don't deserve. And that is the power to change. Ask yourself, what is it that you want to see changed about yourself? Whatever it is, you're going to need grace to do it. What do you want to change about your relationships or your marriage or your family? Whatever you would like to change, you need grace because you can't change it on your own. Grace is really power to change. And there's only one way to get grace and that is to humble yourself before the Lord.

The solution to conflict is not necessarily winning — it's surrendering. And in the next few verses, James gives several short sentences. He's so practical. He gives us four specific actions that need to be taken, in order, to reduce conflict. So here are four steps to reducing conflict.

The first thing is this: surrender to God's leadership. We've got to surrender to God's leadership and give him control. James 4:7 says, "Submit yourselves then to God." Surrender and humility are key. In verse one of chapter 4, James talks about your desires that battle within you. Well, James says that conflict that happens with other people happens because you have conflict on the inside in your own heart. You don't get along with other people because you've got a civil war going on inside of you. This is the real issue here. The starting point is getting peace inside of you before you can have peace on the outside with others. If you're in charge, then anytime something comes along that doesn't go the way that you want it to go, you're going to be upset. But if God's in charge of your life, it doesn't upset you as much.

Colossians chapter 3, verse 15 says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts since as members of one body, you were called to peace and be thankful." When we have the peace of Christ in our hearts, then we'll be at peace with other people. So before dealing with others, allow God to rule your heart. This means you learn to say, "God, your will be done." And when you can say, "Lord, whatever you want, that's what I want," then you can be at peace.

The second thing is this: stand firm against the enemy. Start by being aware and alert. Realize what our enemy is actually doing. Realize where the conflict comes from and that he's the source behind it. Don't be ignorant of this. James chapter 4, the second part of verse 7 says, "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." And that word resist is a war term. It means to be prepared, to stand against, to withstand an attack. And so I want you to understand that the devil wants to destroy you. He wants to destroy your marriage. He wants to destroy every other good relationship that you have. Why? Because he loves conflict. He wants to cause confusion and argument, stress, hurt feelings, disappointment, anger. He wants to cause chaos in your life.

James says that you've got to surrender to God's leadership and let him have control. Then you've got to do some defensive action. You've got to resist the devil and realize what he's doing. Because if you get up in the morning and you don't run directly into the devil headon, it means that you're probably already going in the same direction that he's going. 2 Corinthians 2:11 says, "In order that Satan might not outwit us, for we are not unaware of his schemes." We've got to recognize his tactics and know how he operates.

So, how does the devil operate? Well, he plays on our pride. Particularly wounded pride. He tells us what we want to hear. He's whispering in our ear for sure. And he gives us these little thoughts and suggestions and ideas. And when we're in the middle of an argument, he starts whispering things like, "You don't have to take this kind of stuff. You need to retaliate. Who do they think they are? You need to get even. Assert yourself. Don't put up with this kind of stuff. You show them who's boss." And he tells you all of these things that your pride really enjoys hearing. But don't let Satan use pride, bitterness, or offense to divide relationships. You need to say, "Satan, I know that's you." And then you need to resist him.

And how do you resist the devil? You resist him the same way that Jesus did — he quoted scripture. And guys, we have got to get into God's word and learn what he has to say so that we can resist the enemy when he tempts us. There's also a great promise here. James chapter 4, the second part of verse 7: "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." You don't have to put up with him.

Surrender to God's leadership and stand firm against the enemy. And then the third thing is this: we've got to draw near to God. And how do you draw near to God? Well, it's by reading God's word. By being present and engaging with other believers, which is the church. By getting involved, by serving other people. By being part of a small group where you grow together, you care for each other. And here's one thing I'll tell you — I have made an amazing discovery in my life. And that is the more time that I spend alone with God, the better I get along with other people. It's amazing. The closer we move toward God, the more peace and perspective we gain.

One of my favorite verses in all of the Bible is Isaiah 26:3. And it says this, "He will keep him in perfect peace, all those who trust in him, whose thoughts turn often to the Lord." When we spend time with the Lord, he will keep you in perfect peace. That's what he tells us. Have you ever noticed that some people only draw near to God when they're in trouble, when something bad is happening? They only pray when they have a need. You need to spend time with God. You need to make time for him. You say you're too busy. Well, maybe you're too busy. Maybe you need to cut some things out of your schedule to make more time to spend with the Lord because the more time you spend with the Lord, the more you're going to be able to enjoy the rest of your time. You'll get along better with others and have fewer arguments.

Get up 15 minutes earlier each morning. Maybe start with the book of John. Read and pray and I promise you, you will notice a difference in your attitude and in your relationships. I'm going to challenge you to do that. The conflict in your life is in direct proportion to the amount of time you do or do not spend with God. And there's a great promise here too. James 4:8, the first part of verse 8: "Come near to God and he will come near to you." God doesn't back off — he draws close to you. When you move toward him, God moves toward you.

You surrender to God's leadership. You stand firm against the enemy. You draw near to God. And then own your part and seek forgiveness. Own your part and seek forgiveness. If you want to stop the conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people and avoid the arguments, learn to ask for forgiveness from God and from those that you've hurt. James chapter 4, the second part of verse 8, it says, "Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." Our hands represent our conduct and our hearts represent our attitudes. And he's saying, we've got to get this right.

James 4:9 says, "Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom." What he's saying here is that there needs to be tears for what we've done wrong. There really does. Don't minimize what's happened. Take it seriously. Be sorry for your selfishness. It's a big deal when somebody else's feelings are hurt. We've got to take it seriously. And if somebody says that you've hurt them, you've hurt them. And it may not be a big deal to you, but it's a big deal to them. But be willing to ask for forgiveness.

So now I want you to go back to that person that I asked you to think about at the beginning of the message — who you're in conflict with the most in your life. Would you like to begin to resolve the conflict with that person? How do you do it? Are you willing to go and apologize for your part? And listen, maybe they're 95% wrong and you're only 5% at fault. It's unlikely, but it's possible. But what I would say is you've got to take care of your 5%. And let God handle the other 95% in their life.

Their response is their response. You say, "I know we've had our differences, and I know that I haven't always handled things the best possible way. A lot of times, I've thought about myself more than I've thought about you." I mean, if you go to somebody and say something like that — how humbling would that be, right? Because God shows favor to the humble. And if you want to change, the only way you're going to change is to be humble. It's hard, but do you want to change? Do you want to reduce the conflict that's happening in your life?

Maybe the way you do it is by cracking the door open — by taking the first step, even if they're largely at fault. Admit what you've brought into the relationship that was wrong. It's humbling, sure, but again, God gives grace to the humble. James chapter 4:10 says, "Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up." God doesn't want to keep you down. And the way to honor is actually humility.

I've seen some fathers who think that the way to be honored by their wife and by their kids is to never admit that they're wrong. They think that if my kids think I'm wrong, they won't respect me anymore. What kind of dad would I be if I'm not perfect? Well, let me tell you this — it shouldn't be a surprise to you when you find out that they already know that you aren't perfect. I found that the way that I rise in honor before my kids and before my wife is to admit when I'm wrong, to admit when I'm selfish, when I think about my own needs, my own desires, and I admit that to them. The Bible says that God lifts up the humble. And the more honest we are about our weaknesses, the more God honors us.

So if you want to be honored by your friends, by your co-workers, by your husband, by your wife, by the Lord — show humility. Humility is willing to admit wrong. It's willing to repent sincerely and to pursue reconciliation. Philippians chapter 2:3-5 really supports what we've been reading in James today. It says this, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others. And your relationships with one another have the same mindset as Christ Jesus." And this is truly a Christlike response. How do you get that type of attitude? Well, let Jesus Christ live in and through your life. And when Jesus lives in me and Jesus lives in you, there is no pride there.

So, which of these desires cause the most conflict in your life? Maybe it's the desire to have more and you're so busy out there making a living that your relationships are just falling apart. The desire to have more is greater than the relationships around you. Maybe it's the desire to feel good — if it feels good, do it. That's something the devil likes to say so much, but that is not what God's word teaches us. Think about other people, not just yourself. What are their needs? Or maybe it's the desire to be first. Do you find it difficult to admit when you're wrong? Do you find it difficult to back down in an argument even when you're wrong?

Listen, the path to peace is humility. And that comes from surrendering to God's leadership, standing firm against the enemy, drawing near to God, and owning your part, and seeking forgiveness. Let's be people who do what James teaches and find peace in our lives because of what God brings through humility.

Would you pray with me today? God, we thank you for the scripture that we've read today and for the book of James and how practical it is in our lives. We know that there's conflict that happens all the time. Each of us struggles with it. Each of us live in it and a lot of times it's daily. But what we really need to do is we've got to win this battle within us. And we can't do it on our own. We have to allow you to work in our hearts, work in our lives, begin to change and shape our hearts to become more Christlike. And so God, my desire for each and every person here today is that they would take this passage of scripture and they would look at their lives and they would see who it is that they are in the most conflict with — that they would begin taking scripture and applying it to that relationship. And I believe that as we apply your word to the relationships and the conflict that we have, we will start to see a difference and a change in those relationships.

We're not necessarily responsible for the decisions that other people make. Although we can encourage and we can recommend, but ultimately we're not responsible. However, we are responsible for the decisions that we make and our own actions. And so, help us to humble ourselves and do the right thing. Take the high ground, the high road, and do what you've called us to do each and every opportunity we get. There are so many opportunities to fall into conflict and arguments. But God, you've called us to something higher. Help us to not be prideful about it, but to do the right thing as you've called us to in your word. God, we love you. Help us to be people who seek you with all of our hearts and try to become more Christlike each and every day. It's in Jesus' name we pray. And everybody said, Amen.